Expert in Everything African

Yes I am an African, an Expert in Everything African especially History.

If there is a word that has a plurality of meanings and implications but at the same time integrate those meanings and implications to one reference point (me), is the word AFRICAN.

People introduce me as:
A friend from Africa
A brother from Africa
A fantastic drummer ‘African Style’ from Africa.
All the above = AFRICAN

Where are you from?
I am from Cameroon.
Where is that?
West Africa
Oh! You mean Africa
Yes the western part of Africa
That’s = AFRICAN.

I like the clothes you are wearing. Where did you get those?
From home, my mother sent it to me as a gift.
It looks AFRICAN
Thank you

You have such a beautiful smile
Thank you
It reminds me of my last summer in Africa
Where and when?
I was in Ghana five years ago
Wonderful
It was unbelievable. The AFRICAN people are very open-minded and extremely welcoming.
(Big smile on my face)
What did you do in Ghana? I asked
I was in a village outside Accra, working on a health project by UNICEF. The children there had such white teeth—it’s miraculous. Dentist here will sigh for in vain
Blame the genes; I concurred (Her face beams with a sense of understanding)

Hey guys meet my friend from Africa (AFRICAN). He is good in soccer.
You mean Football? Another friend clarified
Yes! That is how they call it in Africa.
That’s freaking awesome!
I was at the zoo lately, they have this huge elephant, and the guide told us it was from Africa.
That is great, when can I go see it? I inquired
You mean you’ve never seen an elephant before?
Not up close, except in movies, magazines, etc
You are kidding right?
Nope! Not in my blood
But you are from Africa
Yes I am: African
Ok I will take you to the zoo tomorrow. You will love it. There are so many exotic animals there from Africa
Exotic animals? African?

The next day I was an African in an American zoo looking at African animals—nothing beats that kind of exotic display.

You’re with me so far?
If not then you do need an African friend. Now is the time to make friends with one of those exotic human beings who are flooding the streets of American suburbs, metropolitan centers and wherever they want to lay down their roots. When they speak, their accent is striking and their English diction has a British twist with a Native flair, or showcases the influence of Spanish, Portuguese, and French and in some remote ways German and Dutch.

Since I behave like an African and above all Look African, hence I am an Expert in Everything African. I never thought of becoming an expert in my life, and especially an expert in current affairs and their historical connections.

Growing up in Cameroon, all I wanted to do was play football (soccer, pardon my accent) the whole day, take a long bath at the stream, and go home for a delicious meal and then sleep. Life continues. Life is great. History in secondary school was boring until I had to write it at the ‘O Levels’ to cash a 20000 CFA (about $50) reward promised me by a friend of my mother. I have no clue what I did with that cash, but I remember getting it with so much satisfaction. Nothing in the world beats getting cash from your mother’s friend who’s like an Aunt and no sweats for it.

What caught my fancy in school was the ‘Sciences’. I preferred cramming biological processes, chemical equations and experimenting Newton’s laws with mango fruits instead of knowing what revolutions took place in Europe, and on which date was the Magna Carta signed? Magna Carta isn’t that Latin or something?
Why was History boring?
There are many reasons but let me say:
There was too much to read because it was sub-divided into three major sections.
A) Cameroon. B) Africa C) World, and that was not all; each major section was subdivided as well. I had no time for huge volumes of books that cut short on my time for football playing. That’s why the ‘Sciences’ were kool. If I spend 10 minutes cramming a Physics law, I can use that law forever. If I crammed an equation (X+Y=Z), I can use it to solve all math problems—life is great and life continues.

After five years of studying (relegating it to a day before a History test), what did I learn from History? The quote from my History teachers says it all
“History has taught us that people do not learn from History”
What that quote meant to my brilliant 12-year-old mind then was: We are a species of profound mental retardation (pardon my French) who do the same things over and over again. So why will I want to learn about the mistakes of Yesterday today which I know Tomorrow it’s going to happen anyway? Why not wait and see it happen tomorrow then, makes perfect sense? Brilliant! Light bulb. Let’s see some Historical aspects in general terms
A. The Scramble for Africa was a mess (one tribe divided into two/three different countries. I wonder what Geography lessons the surveyors took. Hey man this river here seems like its not navigable, lets put the boundary of a country right here, more importantly I am tired of those big mosquitoes.)
B. Europe was going from one Revolution to another, even though the last one was a disaster
C. Kings fought Kings because they were in love with the cousins, wives or sisters of other Kings
D. One person fought to liberate his people only to be killed by the same people he liberated, talk about patriotism gone wild
E. And what was Napoleon thinking anyways?
F. Don’t get me started with the Far East, China and the Middle East
G. An ethnic group was almost wiped out because of corn, and now corn is the leading agricultural commodity. Thank you corn syrup.
And so on and so forth.

As an expert in Everything African, I have an excellent idea for all the questions put forth to me. Nowadays a majority of them is all related to History somehow- darn it. I wish I didn’t skip those History classes.

Where can we eat good African food? I know exactly where to salivate your taste buds
Where can we listen and dance to great African music? Somewhere in town, we’ll be gyrating
Tell me about African Culture. Oh yes! Plenty of anecdotes ensue from my lips like Victoria Falls.
I saw this documentary about Africa, is it True that they…
What do you think about Rwanda and now Darfur? It’s an Historical conspiracy my friend
What about AIDS and the starving children? It’s an Historical conspiracy, just that we’ve added women and children into the equation as a throw-off variation, pretentious for that matter

As an expert I have the perfect answer: Its TRUE but where I come from is different. That answer works like a charm. You see!!!!! Just like X+Y=Z it works perfect. The equation remains the same even though the X, Y, and Z’s vary.

After all the black-and-blue of History, what do I have to say about Africa and its History? A lot.
I will be willing to share with anyone who asks. For simplicity sake and educational purposes, certain generalizations pertaining to Africa might be helpful.

(Please take it from an Expert, I know what I am saying, I was born to do this, hope to get paid for it as well!! Big laugh. If that does not convince you; the mere fact that I am an African is Great Qualification in itself—nothing beats that, not even a specialty in African Affairs, African History, and certainly not a PhD in anything related to Africa, from Egyptology to Afro-Religious Studies.)

Hence here are my insights on Africa:
 Africa is the second largest Country in the world after Asia (the birthplace of Bamboo culture, can you believe the tensile strength of those plants!!), but unfortunate to have at least 54 presidents ruling at the same time, a catalyst for confusion, that is why nothing gets done in Africa.
 The national language is Swahili, Zulu, Afrikaans, Shona, or some obscure Bantu tongue depending on which African you meet
 The landscape is rainforest, jungle or desert blessed with wild animals and primeval cultures reserved for National Geographic
 The people live in blissful nakedness, and cover themselves only for photo shoots and TV cameras, but most importantly Christianization
 They learn French, English, Portuguese, or Spanish through leaflets dropped by military helicopters
 Diseases on the ground are highly contagious—the kind of diseases that only Medicins Sans Frontieres can scope the ramifications
 There is no belief in the God-ordained religions of the world. They are so caught up in Voodoo and Black Magic, and for that they are all going to hell.

(And that’s the Word from an expert), the guy who looks like an African, behaves like African, talks like an African, and certainly knows Everything about Africa.
Long Live the Mother Continent.

PS: My colleagues in the Research Department just sent me a note saying every Homo sapiens was an African at some point. Therefore everyone is qualified to know everything about Africa—darn it. Then I am not as special as I thought I was. Well!!!! I still believe I am an Expert—whatever that means and I am holding unto that till my becoming extinct.
Peace out.